Uganda: Becoming a Leader

When I made the decision to become a staff member with Youth With A Mission (YWAM) Muizenberg I had mixed emotions. Not only was I leaving Charlotte, the only home I knew, but I would be placed in a leadership position which I felt unqualified for. I was involved in Boy Scouts Of America as a youth but always avoided becoming a leader, because I was suffering from too much fear and low self esteem to believe I wasn’t going to anything other then completely fail. I never saw myself as a “leader” and even when I was asked to staff with YWAM I was in disbelief that someone saw potential in me. Fear had taken complete control of my thoughts on leadership from a young age, and I was too scared to change them.

During the lecture phase of the Discipleship Training School (DTS) I had other staff with me and staff above me that I worked with every day, so I could kind of “hide” from the fact that I am a leader in a way. It has always been easy for me to become friends with people, and as a staff member it didn't take long for me to "level out" the playing field between myself and students. Most of them saw me as their friend, and not above them. This isn't inherently bad but it helped make me feel less of the weight of being a staff member. I thought, “Okay this doesn’t all depend on me, so I don’t have to worry.” That was a comfortable, but not really helpful for being thrown into the deep end once we hit the ground for our outreach. The outreach was in Uganda for two months and co-lead my team with my friend Jeremy, who is photographed with me below. With a co-leader to work along side, I knew that I couldn’t place everything on him, It wouldn’t be fair to “hide” behind him. I had to face my fears of leading. The Lord knew I was scared of this, and with nothing but grace and love the Lord helped me through that fear.

As the outreach began I stepped both feet into my position as a leader and it was extremely difficult for me. I spent a lot of the time doubting my thoughts but felt the pressure to outwardly have things together. As time progressed I felt my confidence grow in myself and the confidence of my team grow in me. Having a fellow leader and team that believed in me was what I needed for my first ever time in a leadership position. The most impactful thing I took away from my time of leading a team is leading the team itself. I ended outreach believing God has given leadership ability to me, and I don’t have to lead like anyone other then myself. That seems like such a simple concept but man oh man, did the Lord have to teach me that. I think that I just became so caught up in the lies I convinced myself of, that I couldn’t lead or belief I could be a good leader.

I want to share one of the most impactful ways God used this team to help bring healing to my fear. On every outreach team there will always be someone who naturally you will not get along with, it just always happens. I had this with one particularly student who came from a very different culture then me. We just always seemed to butt heads with each other on most things. We were always quick to ask for forgiveness, and were able to work out most of our issues in a healthy way and did it with a desire to grow and love each other better. It did feel like the number of fights started to build up, and I began to compare myself to the my co-leader who that student ended up getting along with better. It became difficult for me, and I thought I was failing that student. At the very end of our time in Uganda we were discussing what was our biggest struggle, and that student who I had many fights with said I was their biggest struggle. They spoke about how we were able to work through things with each other, and if they were to ever lead an outreach team they would like to lead it with someone like me, or if they had the chance even lead with me. They said that we had very different leadership styles, and that why we struggle with each other. With our different styles they would need me to balance them out, and we would pair well together. I was moved by my student’s humbleness, and it made me realize all those fights didn’t make me a bad leader, not by any means. The Lord used that student to help me grow as a leader, and helped them grow as well. We learned how to work with people who are different from ourselves, which I couldn't be more thankful for.

From now on I can do nothing but grow as a leader, and trust the Lord to show me how I can best lead. I know It will face it’s challenges, but I look forward to how the Lord will help me grow.